At a general level, there are many similarities between people in how they experience their self, others, and the world.  Without such commonalties we could not communicate, share ideas, work together towards goals and so on.

But I don’t think we properly appreciate the remarkable quality or quantity of  the differences which exist between each and every one of us in how we are experiencing this thing we call reality. Neither do we properly appreciate how those differences impact on our relationships with others. Let me expand on this further.

From moment to moment, my experiences  of the “me in here”, the “you over there”, and the “world out there”, comprises “my reality”.  That experience of reality provides the basis for what I believe, and how I live my life.  I must be able to trust this.

Trusting that my perceptions are accurate is as important for me as it is for you.  Yet surprisingly, none of us experiences or interprets “reality” the same way – ever. 

Even at the same moment in time, and same physical location, someone standing next to you looking at the same event will be having differing experiences from yours.  Indeed it is quite possible the two of you could be having experiences so dramatically different you would never even know you were in the same room. Nonetheless, both of you will be experiencing your own personal reality; a reality which is true for each of you, but not the same for either.

Thus when two people start talking to each other, they are always expressing their personal version of reality to each other.  Every interaction I have with someone introduces me to a version of reality different from mine; sometimes similar, sometimes diametrically opposed – never the same.  Both of us will assume that our view of reality is true. 

So what happens when one person’s perceptions and experiences of reality, their truth, comes up against another person’s perceptions and experiences, and those truths do not match?

Every time this happens, we experience some measure of anxiety; a response which is often so small it is unnoticed.  Sometimes however, this anxiety response triggers a large alarm.

The answer to the question as to when is the alarm small and when is it large is, “It depends”. 

If we happen to be engaging in “small” talk, differences in our experiences may seem inconsequential such that the alarm bell will be essentially silent.

But if two people present each other with differing experiences of reality that have high personal importance where there is a need to be right about one’s perceptions,  the alarm bell will be loud and each person will begin to experience strong emotional reactions. It is here that the possibility for conflict begins.

This can become painfully obvious when, for example, disagreements occur with those we are supposed to feel safe with, or to whom we are “close. Depending on a complex array of personal and relational dynamics, such disagreements may eventually be peacefully negotiated, or they may lead to aggressive argument, even conflict. Such disagreements threaten the fundamental assumption of trust we work so hard to establish in our close relationships, which was one of the primary reasons for having that relationship in the first place.

What is fueling this conflict  is not simply the subjective differences in opinion.  Rather, the conflict is being energized by a challenge to each person’s perception of reality, which links directly to our fundamental need to know what is happening around us and to be able to trust those perceptions.

Interestingly, for some people, their fundamental sense of security concerning their own perceptions is strong and robust.  When their perceptions of reality are challenged by others their reactions are well controlled and relatively calm.

For others however,  their fundamental sense of security is weak and fragile.  Their reactions when their perceptions are challenged can be quite volatile and even aggressive.

Why some people are secure while others are insecure is complicated.  Why some issues in particular press “hot buttons” for some people and not for others is also complex and neither issue can be properly covered here. 

What I do want to highlight however, is some of the various outcomes which can arise when such disturbances occur in our interactions.

Firstly, let us consider the anxiety response.  If threats to our beliefs about what is right, true, and fair are constantly occurring, then even the strongest amongst us will begin to experience anxiety.  If this continues over an extended period of time we experience chronic stress with all of the symptoms associated with that.

If we have no solution to this chronic threat we will begin to burn out.  Eventually we will begin to experience depression.

It is very difficult when our interactions with other adults threaten our sense of reality and security.  It is even more disturbing however, when this happens for children in their interaction with adults, especially parents.  It is here that the origins of why some of us feel fundamentally secure and others do not begins to unfold. And it is those experiences that will define the quality of every subsequent experience we have, and the many ways we will learn to respond to every personal interaction we encounter.

In large measure this article helps explains why most people don’t like to argue with those around them, why they don’t like to stand out from others, and why they can be so easily persuaded to surrender their beliefs and alter their behaviour if it allows them to feel like they belong or fit in.

It  also help explain how two people can begin a relationship so in love, and end up fighting and hating each other so completely, without ever really understanding why or knowing what to do about it.

It also accounts for why we so quickly criticize those who don’t share our beliefs or ideologies, and why we feel so completely justified in doing so.

Perhaps this also explains why, on a larger scale, there is so much distrust and conflict between people who hold different religious beliefs, or cultural values, or even sexual preferences.

What is so odd about all of this however, is the fact that the very existence of differing realities and values can  potentially make our experience of life so so rich and interesting. It is because there are such difference that we can learn about life beyond our own narrow personal understandings and perhaps begin to learn what it is we need to make this a better world for us all to live in. It is a shame this opportunity is wasted all too often .

Related posts:

1. The Remarkable Thing About Anxiety. It has been clear to psychologists for some time that...
2. Being Here – Depression, Anxiety, Stress and All – Part 2 In my previous article I was arguing that we cannot...
3. Depression and Anxiety- All Roads Lead to Rome, Don’t They? Over the course of twenty plus years I have worked...

“Struggle or resistance to something creates an invisible tension. It creates conflict, and there is a push-pull of the psyche. When a person is able to let go of the desire to have something (or someone) be other than what it is, tension and conflict dissolve, and what is left is nothing – a space that carries within it a dynamic that is of a higher level of consciousness and awareness than a person’s logical and reasoning mind.  This dynamic will always lead a person toward what is best for them.”

“What is necessary to the action of surrendering, which entails letting go of struggle and resistance, is an awareness of this tension, and a sensing of it on more than one level, including being aware of where this tension is being held in the body.”

“What is crucial to becoming aware, or “self” conscious, is the willingness and ability to look deeply, without judgement, at what is actually going on with ourselves in any given moment. This is the act of paying attention without being attached to the outcome.”

Unknown Author

No matter what I might say or how I might describe mindfulness, it is not that.  And yet, mindfulness as a practice, or as an orientation, or as a quality of experience is as real (if not more real) than even the material world.  Indeed, to me it is perplexingly odd how little most people know about mindfulness or the immense value it can offer.

Let me therefore try to offer a brief glimpse of mindfulness as I see it, with the understanding that I am using these words to point you towards something beyond the words.  Somewhat like a recipe for a cake, if you follow the instructions you may get a taste of something that can never come from the paper the instructions are written on.

In order to begin, I would ask that you understand that the first few steps I am going to ask you to do, in and of themselves, will have little relevance or meaning  for you.  But if you bear with me, I hope we can move past the “so what” part and begin to talk about mindfulness in a more meaningful way.

Step 1.  Okay, let’s begin.  What I would ask you to do for about 5 seconds is look at the symbol at the end of this sentence; so when you are ready, go.                  + 

If you did what I asked you to do then you have just entered into a state of mindfulness.  And as I said, it will have very little meaning for you.  (As a rough analogy consider giving someone a key to something but they don’t yet know what it is for).

So let me make an important observation here.  Entering a state of mindfulness is simple; staying there is the difficult part.  Put another way, it is not hard for someone to wake up, it is nearly impossible for them not to fall back asleep.  If you want evidence of this particular difficulty then let’s move on to step two. 

Before we begin, let me clarify that in order for the rest of what I want to show you to have any value it has to be experientially true for you.  That is to say, I don’t want you to believe what I am telling you, I want you to see it for yourself.  If you do the practice you will have the experiences for yourself, and the truth of what I am saying will be self evident; it will come from your own experiential reality.   So please, try the next exercise before you continue reading.

Step 2.  Go back to the symbol and try to maintain your awareness of it for 30 seconds.  Don’t read any further, go back.

What you probably noticed, if you were paying attention, was that within a matter of seconds you began to have various types of “intrusions” into the previously clear state of awareness.  Perhaps you found yourself counting the seconds out loud, or wondering why you were even doing this exercise.  If this, or some other type of intrusion didn’t happen (thoughts, images, memories etc.) there are a few possibilities to consider. 

Perhaps you are already skilled at maintaining a sufficient level of awareness to complete the task.  Or, perhaps your existing awareness of your own experiences is so limited that you didn’t even notice the intrusions. 

If you didn’t notice these intrusions and are not already skilled at doing this, then this presents a roadblock which must be overcome before we can move further down the road.  Try the exercise again, and see if that helps.

If you completed the exercise and noticed the intrusions then there are a few observations which we should be able to agree upon because they were actually part of your experience. 

Firstly, you didn’t ask for these intrusions to occur, they just happened.  Watch this carefully until you can verify for yourself  if what I am saying is true or not. 

Secondly, there is no way of predicting how such intrusions will present themselves.  Mainly they tend to be thought level experiences but can take a variety of forms which shift and blend seamlessly into one another.

Importantly, these phenomenon that I am calling intrusions are occurring all the time during your waking (and dreaming states).  In fact they are actually the products of your own mind which are constantly overlaying themselves on top of your sensory experiences. 

Given that the intention of the exercsie was to maintain concentration on the symbol, if you were distracted by these intrusions, you were beginning to fall asleep.

If this all makes sense to you so far, then we have the basis for beginning to discuss the meaning and interplay between topics such as “mind”, “reality”,  “truth”, “self”, “legitimate suffering”, “depression”, “surrender”, and a whole host of other descriptors of human experience.  I want to repeat however, that in order to truly understand these discussions you must first have the actual experiences, have your own truth.  If you are with me so far then we can move forward, which we will do in my next post.

Related posts:

1. Mindfulness – Freedom From the Known The answer to the question as to “who, or what...
2. New Web Site – Mindfulness For some time now I have been working on upgrading...

“Yes, there are two paths you can go by
But in the long run
There’s still time to change
The road you’re on

And it makes me wonder. “  (Led Zeppelin – Stairway To Heaven)

Helping someone who is psychologically unhealthy become normal, is not the same as helping them become healthy. In this article I want to highlight this distinction and, in so doing, demonstrate the differences in the underlying assumptions, therapeutic efforts and expected outcomes between these two approaches.

While much of our suffering in this world arises from physical  pain, the overwhelming majority comes from emotional/psychological pain.  These experiences have numerous labels such as unhappiness, sadness, fear, anxiousness, loneliness, confusion, and so on. 

We all have such experiences. In and of themselves they are well within the “normal” range of experiences and usually dissipate in a short amount of time. 

But when they don’t go away, when we cannot get ourselves out of such states and they begin to adversely affect the quality of our life, or if we have have never been able to enjoy life because of them, it seems perfectly reasonable to try and do something about this.

In an effort to make the pain go away, or at least hide it, some people try using alcohol or drugs, some begin to work longer hours, look towards another relationship, start gambling, or any number of other possibilities. If those solutions ultimately do not work, and don’t destroy us, and we are willing to believe someone else can help us, then we might seek professional assistance.

So where are we likely to go for help, what kind of help will we get, and what will we be helped with? 

In our society, the primary options recognized for mental health concerns are medical and psychotherapeutic.  Depending on which of these choices is made, there will be important differences in how your suffering is going to be viewed and treated.

Within the standard medical/disease/pain model of illness, such suffering is typically understood to either cause or be caused by an imbalance in our brain chemistry which adversely affects how we think, feel, and subsequently act. Given this level of understanding, it is not surprising that numerous types of drugs have been developed to address such imbalances. 

If you go to your GP, family doctor, or a psychiatrist, for the most part they will suggest one of several medications designed to increase, or decrease, the amount of certain neurotransmitters in your brain depending on how your problem is diagnosed.  

From the psychological model of illness, while these experiences may indeed have neurochemical correlates, the primary source of the problem is typically understood as flowing from disturbances in our thoughts and feelings.  Given this level of understanding it is not surprising that individual psychotherapy is mainly oriented towards modifying how we think about ourselves and our life, with the implicit understanding that this modification will also affect how we feel and act.  

While there have been literally hundreds of therapeutic approaches developed over the years, the dominant therapy today is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  As you might surmise, it is designed primarily, to modify how you think. 

While these description and explanations are highly simplified, it is nonetheless the case that both the standard medical and psychological approaches follow a similar line of reasoning that goes something like this: because you are suffering, there is something wrong which requires correction. This correction will be considered successful when you no longer report feeling depressed, anxious, stressed, and so on.  In other words, success is measured by the removal of your symptoms. 

Certainly these approaches seem sensible. After all, suffering is difficult and painful, and when we hurt it is natural to want to get rid of this pain.

But given that we are seeking treatment from people designated as having expertise in the field of “mental health”, do these approaches actually help people become mentally and psychologically healthy? 

If we view the function of mental health experts as offering services designed to help us think, feel and act “normal”, then providing assistance in removing symptoms defined as abnormal fits that definition. 

But if one views mental health as referring to an ongoing process of psychological development and maturation, then they do not: removing symptoms or altering how we think offers no avenues or directions for learning – it encourages no growth.

I do not consider being normal as equivalent to being psychologically healthy.  In my experiences, most people seem primarily interested in trying to be comfortable and secure, even though few actually seem to achieve this.  Scratch just below the surface and most people become anxious and uneasy, being very careful about what they let out, and what they let in. 

So much of what we are seems to flow from fear.  Directing our energies to protect our self from harm, whether real or imagined, ultimately leads to an orientation in which we avoid rather than embrace life.  Shutting down rather than opening up is a natural consequence; no wonder we hurt

In keeping with this observation, I would argue that much of what we call “being normal”  is actually unhealthy; a general condition where the particular ways in which we think, feel, and act, actually impairs our growth, and in so doing creates suffering in our self, and unfortunately, also creates suffering for others.  To the extent that this is true, attempting to return people to normal offers a very limited solution to our suffering

The sad part here is that we do not see how much of our suffering is related to how we live and act in our normal lives.  Mainly, we do not seem to recognize the fear-based ways in which we view our self, others, and our world.  Since we seem to possess such a poor understanding of the role this plays in creating suffering, our responsibilities and capabilities for resolving this are also limited.

Unfortunately, rather than waking up to this condition and finding constructive solutions that could benefit our self and others in our world, we are encouraged to remove the pain. That, I believe, is a serious conceptual mistake supported by the prevailing medical and psychological framework.  There is little chance we will find lasting solutions through such avenues.

Rather than simply getting rid of this pain, we need to learn from it. Our suffering needs to be re-conceptualized as providing us with a powerful source of motivation for learning about this suffering, and the harmful consequences of our normal ways of doing things.  With the right teachers, it can also provide us with the motivation for learning how to properly nurture our growth and development. 

Otherwise, it seems unfortunate that once we have gone for help, the very motivation which drove us to seek assistance in the first place cannot be put to more productive use than to remind us to take our pill or practice thinking differently.

I wondered about this for a long while after I left him.  Could it be true that there was nothing he could do to help himself?

He expressed his many concerns to me as he complained non-stop about how our government was misspending taxpayer’s money, how misinformed our medical system was in providing proper treatments for people, and a seemingly endless list of other issues and complaints.

I don’t know if it was true that he had cancer because of his agitated mind, but I do know he believed this. So it was most interesting for me when I heard him say he felt he was powerless to stop complaining about these things even though he felt it was killing him.

He didn’t even seem particularly interested in doing anything about this as he joined one bothersome issue to another, each seeming to serve as fuel for the next. He reminded me in some ways of an alcoholic continuing to drink knowing full well it was destroying him, and calmly saying there was nothing he could do about it.

I think for some people change is not possible, or at best it is a remote possibility.  It seems that there actually is nothing they can do to alter how they think, feel and act in the world, even though their life may be heading downhill.

But if they are powerless, why?  How can this be explained?

Some people can’t change because they are not interested. There are those who do nothing about stress in their life simply because they don’t seem to think about doing anything about it until it is too late.

Often these people seem to have a very limited awareness of themselves and others. Their life is hectic and non-stop almost as though they need to get to the next moment before they have arrived at this one.   They don’t seem to properly identify with or appreciate their problems, and even though others might be concerned about them nothing will come of those efforts to help other than frustration for all concerned

Some people can’t change  because they don’t see the problems in their life as having anything to do with them. Instead, it is other people, the world “out there” causing their suffering and if only ‘it” or “they” would change, their problems would be over.  Not surprisingly such people often tend to be disruptive in the lives of others.

Some people can’t change because they have given up.  They have tried many, many, times with little success and much disappointment. They have lost hope trying to feel better when nothing they have done has made a difference.  Such people can often be deeply cynical about almost everything and everyone.  As long as they still care enough to look after and protect their existing reality they can survive .  But if they are faced with an unexpected and significant life challenge they can crumble.  When they reach the stage that nothing begins to matter this is very problematic and often life-threatening.

Others are still willing to try but have no clear direction of how to actually do this and are going in circles.  The will is there but the energy is wasted.

So in these examples, I think change for such individuals in not possible; at least not under the existing conditions?  But that is not the same as saying nothing can help.

But if it is possible how can this be accomplished?

And for those who are willingly seeking to change how can this be accomplished?

For me there are many, many questions which need to be asked and answered when we talk about change, about who can change and how to to do it.

What do we even mean by change? Is change actually possible or is it an illusion?

For me the answer to the question of whether or not change is possible is, “It depends”.

I don’t mean to sound elusive in this response but I think it is correct to state it this way.  There are many conditions which have to be met before change can occur and it is helpful at the outset to consider what some of those conditions might be. In the next article I will look more closely at this.

Related posts:

1. Resisting Change in Psychotherpay “A world that can be explained even with bad reasons...

I think it is easy enough to accept that what we are today, how we experience our self, others, and the world we live in, is very much the product of an amazing and vast number of experiences we could generally refer to as ”our life so far”. 

Given this inextricable bond to our past, then everything we do “now”, every thought we have, every belief we hold and action we take, is rooted in and flows from our history.  This connection to where we have been before has both advantages and disadvantages.

The advantage is we don’t have to continually relearn how to live in this world. 

It is absolutely critical to our survival that we possess the ability to learn from and utilize past experiences and apply those lessons to daily living.   Without such learning the world would appear as a chaotic buzz of confusion to which we would have no idea how to respond.  Within a matter of days or at best weeks, without outside support and care, we would die.

But here is the disadvantage.

Most people seem to want to change, get rid of bad habits, improve their relationships. 

For many, the search for these answer seems to point in the direction of  thinking long and hard about our life, perhaps making those tough choices we could never follow through on, not allowing ourselves to act like we have before, and so on.

Yet if our intention is to become healthier and create a better life for our self then by definition we have to learn to act differently than we have up to this point.   But how can we make new and different choices to move in healthy directions if we are using the same ”mind” that got us into difficulty in the first place?

Think about this for a moment.  If our previous way of being in the world wasn’t working for us before, how can we rely on that to guide us now? 

As motivated as we may be to live our life differently, or to end or minimize our suffering, the inescapable truth seems to be that we have to find a way that offers more than our existing methods of looking at our self and our world.

If we are going to find a way that actually promotes our psychological growth and development, we have to find a fundamentally new means of  understanding our self, our relationships, and our world. 

To do this we have to free our self from the normal approaches we take to finding answers to our life: we have to “free ourselves from the known”.

The next article in this series begins the exploration of  a “Mindfulness” approach I have developed and utilized over the last 25 years utilize in my practice.

Related posts:

1. What is Mindfulness? To be clear from the start, whatever the process is...
2. New Web Site – Mindfulness For some time now I have been working on upgrading...

I am not referring to whether or not they are interested in (or at least talk about) what we might call each others objective reality (how was work today, how were the kids, what did you think of that restaurant  last night etc.).  Rather, I am pointing to what seems to be a remarkable lack of interest in, and exploration of, each others subjective reality;  their thoughts, feelings, memories, desires, fears, fantasies and so on.

I would argue that it is precisely those experiences, the ones we might identify as our “interior” self, which make each of us truly unique and remarkable.  These are the deeper, more personal, immediate, and alive aspects of our being.  They are the ones that matter most to us and the ones that define our essential and vital self 

And I am suggesting that the failure of people in relationships to learn more about and respect such qualities in each other leads to a whole host of potential problems and difficulties that may never get resolved until they are understood.  And for many people, they may never get understood.

All in all this lack of interest and exploration of each other with each other creates a rather strange and confusing situation for us humans.

For example, we think we understand and know our loved one, when in fact we do not.  We think the other understands us, when in fact they don’t. What we have done instead is identify with the “exterior” of the other, and confused that with who they are.

The truly odd thing about this is that we each expect, and sometimes demand, that the other be what we have imagined them to be as a result of what we have learned about their external apearances.  But we are all so much more complex than our outside presentation.

And soon enough and sure enough, we will present to the other in a way that does not match with our exterior as they have come to know us.  But it will fit with our interior and seem perfectly natural to us.

And when that happens the other can feel surprised, shocked, dismayed, disappointed, angry, and a whole range of other negative experiences.  At these moments the reaction generally tends to be; “Hey, what’s wrong with you, get back to being the person I know and stay there.”

And inevitably, when they present their self to us in an odd or unexpected way, we will ask the same of them.

If we are each reasonably healthy we will stand up for ourselves  and ask to be known and accepted more deeply and clearly.  If we are not so healthy, we will step backwards towards the image the other expects of us and we will stay there.

But we will suffer.  And often, we will make the other suffer in a variety of obvious and not so obvious ways, for not being willing to accept the truer, deeper, and more meaningful aspects of our being.

Does this scenario have real world implications for individuals in those relationships?  I am certain it does. Can this help us understand why so many relationships struggle and eventually break-up?

Can it help explain why so many people get depressed, turn to drugs and alcohol, have extra-marital affairs and a whole host of other relationship disturbance?   I think it does explain much of this and I think it is all so tragic.

Why tragic?  Because I don’t believe people do this intentionally to each other.  I don’t think they are trying to hurt each other.  I just think they don’t know any better and don’t even see the problem being created.

So what does it mean to say  “I love you”  if at precisely the same time I don’t really know you or want to know you?  And what does it mean if you won’t or can’t tell me who you are even if I ask?

Exactly who is this “you” I love?

Related posts:

1. The Remarkable Thing About Anxiety. It has been clear to psychologists for some time that...
2. Relationship Anxiety When asked why life is stressful, we often talk about...
3. Being Here – Depression, Anxiety, Stress and All The only reality we have is this living moment. The...