In my previous article I was arguing that we cannot truly make choices and therefore changes in our life, if we are not aware of, or conscious to, our own experiences. Since most people seem to think they are already quite aware, then either I am making a weak argument, or we are talking about very different things. This article focuses on my definition of this notion of our lack of awareness in an attempt to clarify that position and also to look at some of the implications which flow from it.

To begin, let me ask a simple question; “What does rain feel like on your face”? Now I am betting that you feel you would have no difficulty at all in answering this question. But let me push this a little further. When was the last time you chose to stand in the rain and let it fall on your face so you could intentionally experience it? I am guessing that you may never have done that, or if you have, you haven’t done it very often.

If you are like most people, the experience of “rain in your face” you are talking about is what happened when you unexpectedly got caught in the rain, and as quickly as you could, tried to find shelter, or reacted in some way so as not to have rain in your face.

My point is that there are many experiences which we say we “have”, or which we say we are familiar with, which should more appropriately be called, “experiences we tried not to have”. In fact, I think this applies to almost every experience we are capable of having which we define as negative or as unwelcome. (I would go further than this and include a much broader range of experiences but for now it might be easier to accept that we tend “not to have” the negative experiences).

Take sadness for example. Who doesn’t know what it feels like to be sad? But have you ever taken the time to really feel sad; intentionally, purposefully? Really sit with it and listen to it, hear how it speaks, where it lives in your body, what kind of memories come up and whatever else is connected to it.

My guess is that the very idea of letting yourself feel sad, or angry, or frustrated or any “negative” reaction seems strange to you. After all, these experiences hurt, they are painful. And if there is anything our evolutionarily programmed survival system does well, it is too move us away from pain as quickly as possible. Rather than feeling sad, what you may be familiar with is the experience of trying not to feel sad.

“Trying not to feel sad” and feeling sad are not the same experiences. “Trying not to feel sad” is an active attempt to suppress and alter an experience and is one example of how we try to avoid our own experiences. There is nothing odd in doing this; in fact I would suggest most people do this suppression/avoiding thing most of the time. But there is an effect which accrues from doing this and it is this effect which most people do not understand, feel very confused about when it arises, and have no idea how to solve. This is covered in the next article.