Have you ever stopped to consider how little people really know each other? I don’t mean casual acquaintances or even friends. I mean people who say they love and deeply care for each other; people who are willing to commit their lives to each other. Read More
In the previous article (Understanding Narcissists (Part 1), I began to identify a problem exemplified by the “Myth of Narcissus”. This myth portrays a scenario where a beautiful young boy is mesmerized by his own image staring as longingly and lovingly back at him as he is at it. Because he does not recognize the reflection as his own, he repeatedly tries in vain to possess an image which he can never truly have. Read More
Have you ever felt frustrated at your inability to solve problems in your life? Do you suffer from depression or anxiety and no matter how much try to deal with these experiences they don’t improve? Do you try talking to your spouse and no matter how hard you try it doesn’t seem to help your relationship, and often makes matters worse? Are you continually frustrated by the disturbing actions of those around you and feel a constant stress in your life?
This two-part article examines one of the fundamental reasons why we not only suffer, but continue to suffer without resolution. This first part of the article examines how this happens and why it is so fundamentally difficult to deal with.
Imagine someone picking up a book, perhaps one of the great classics, but they cannot read. All they see is black squiggly lines on white pages. This book is meaningless for this person. Because it is meaningless it has no value and can easily be discarded.
Now imagine a highly skilled reader picking up that book. That same book now has a wide range of qualities that it didn’t have for the first person. There are characters and events that generate a complex and fascinating world of images and meaning and will probably generate a wide range of emotional responses that did not and could not exist for the first person. In this way it has become something much more, something very different, and something of much greater value. Read More
My clinical experience in working with couples and individuals over the years suggests a fundamental lack of understanding of what it even means to have a truly loving relationship. In my previous article I referred to a specific type of struggle that arises in relationships when one partner is seeking to establish a more meaningful and connected type of relationship, but the other is unable or unwilling to reciprocate. This article looks more closely at some of the difficulties that arise under these conditions.
My experiences with those couples and individuals I see in my practice and in my daily life suggests most individuals in relationships are not operating in a manner conducive to promoting their own or another’s spiritual growth. Within the definition of love I have been using, most relationships are not loving.
More accurately, what most people are identifying as love seems to be directed primarily at providing comfort and security. Even if both individuals are reasonably content with this, it is the crucial step beyond that which I have been trying to define and which seems to be so consistently lacking. Why, if I am correct in my observations, do our relationships not offer us more ? Read More
In several of my preceding articles on love and couples therapy, I have argued that our greatest source of suffering arises when our emotional and psychological, and thus spiritual growth is impeded. If we are not clear about the source of that suffering when it arises, our confusion as to what is actually causing it leads to numerous misguided efforts to reduce that distress. Since these efforts invariably lead to continued or increased suffering, further confusion and frustration develops, along with a growing sense of pointlessness and futility. Ultimately this can lead to depression and despair. In relationships it leads to conflict and often, to separation.
In Part I and Part of II of this series, I have described how we can view love as the action which serves as the vehicle for nurturing and enhancing that growth, and looked at what that action actually means within the context of one’s relationship with another. In this article I provide a brief description of three basic types of relationships that can develop relative to the state of health or unhealth of the individuals within that relationship. Read More
One thing’s for sure: counselors rarely hear the complaint “It’s too early for our relationship!” More often, what they hear is: “We’ve tried everything – counseling is our last resort.”
Far too many couples leave counseling until it’s too late. By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt blocks out any chance of change.
If you’re experiencing any of the following, now is the time to consider counseling:
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In Part I of the previous article I presented a definition from Scott Peck’s book, “The Road Less Travelled” in which he described love as “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s and another’s spiritual growth” and explored the meaning of “spiritual growth”
Let’s now look more closely at this action described as “the will to extend oneself…”.
As a psychologist working with couples in conflict and those trying to improve their relationships, my primary focus is on understanding the specific type of work that needs to be done to promote the best interests of both individuals in that relationship. This work is always directed at encouraging the ongoing growth and development of these individuals and helping them to see how do this for themselves, in their own relationship.