Vancouver Psychologist Dr. Gordon Reid

Over the last 30 years, numerous empirical studies have suggested it is possible to arrange defensive mechanisms into a hierarchy of relative psychopathology beginning in severity with “psychotic defenses”, and ranging through “immature defenses”, “intermediate defenses”, and finally, “mature defenses”. An individual with a personality disorder is defined as having “immature defenses” (i.e. acting out, splitting, projection) which, in terms of their effect on others, can be compared to a cigarette smoker in an elevator. Such behaviour seems innocent to the user and deliberately irritating and provocative to the observer. A defining quality of such defenses is they allow the person to externalize responsibility for their behaviour thereby providing justification for refusing help or accepting blame. Accordingly, such individuals tend to define other people or external events as the source of their problems. In some instances this perception can lead to self-righteous “acting out” of anger and frustration towards perceived offenders, and hence, one reason for their reputation of being difficult to get along with.

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“I love you.”

When we use these three little words what do we really mean, what are we actually saying?

There have been occasions when working with distressed couples in my practice when it looks as though all is lost, the relationship may be over. It is not uncommon at this point for one of the partners, in desperation and confusion, to look at the other and almost in desperation say, “but I love you”.

The response from the other partner often sounds something like this; “I know you say you love me, but you don’t act like you do.” Something doesn’t quite fit for them. There is a discrepancy somewhere between what the words “I love you” are supposed to mean and what is actually coming across.

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Let me introduce this discussion of love by utilizing some of my experiences from my private practice. As a psychologist specializing in working with couples struggling in their relationships, I often hear individuals tell me that even though they are angry or frustrated with their partner, they still love them and believe they are loved in return. When I ask them how they actually experience this love within the relationship, they often offer explanations such as, “because we’ve stayed together this long”, or “even though he get’s angry at me he can also be really kind and gentle”, or “because she tells me loves me” and so on.

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As a child I was often told “it is better to give than to receive”. I always understood this message in terms of giving gifts to others rather than getting them, and the implication was that somehow in doing so, I would be a better person for doing it. While I could hear what I was being told, I could never quite understand why or how this might be true. It took me a long time to really grasp the crucial significance in this message.

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Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living. Sooner or later we will ask ourself a question such as , “What am I doing here?’, or “What is my life about” or the big one “Who am I”. Are we trying to make as much money as possible, find security, be happy, just get by? Understand that we are quite capable of living each day of our life working hard, accomplishing things, expending huge amounts of energy and yet have no real idea why we are doing it. But if we have never reflected on our life and our motivations then what exactly is guiding our life from day to day? Read More

If a relationship that promotes and encourages our emotional, psychological, and spiritual growth is healthy, then one that engenders conflict, distrust, and fear, must surely be unhealthy. It is unhealthy precisely because the openness, security, and safety that is crucial in order for us to grow and flourish does not exist. Instead we live in a state of constant worry, anger, and turmoil that preoccupies our attention and focuses it into protecting ourselves from further harm.

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Couples come to my office for many, many reasons. There are a bewildering array of issues and complaints that have become the focus of their difficulties and inevitably, at least when I meet them, they have run out of options and workable solutions for those difficulties.

When it comes to my understanding of the fundamental nature of problems encountered by couples, there is one primary and repeating theme I tend to see more than others. Most generally, this theme is expressed in the complaint of one of the partners (occasionally both) , that the other just does not understand them.

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Relationships serve many different purposes. Minimally, relationships should provide security, comfort and a sense of belonging. 

But ideally, I think relationships should serve as a vehicle for each other’s emotional, psychological and spiritual growth. That is to say, there is a way to be with each other, to encourage and nurture each other in such a manner as to promote our development in these areas. A way to listen to and respect each other for what one thinks, feels and believes without trying to make the other be like us.

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Everything is in relationship to everything else. The words you see here exist in relationship to each other, to the white background we call the page, and to you, the reader. Likewise”I” only exist in relationship to my world and in my relationship to others.

Whether we like it or not, our sense of who we are generates out of our relationships with our world so that the skill of being in relationships lies in our ability to choose those relationships which are healthy for us, and to let go of those that are not. This of course raises the question of what is healthy.

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In an effort to explain the different psychological and behavioural profiles between the diagnostic categories of “personality disorders” and “neurotics”, current clinical thinking and practice offers a neuro-social model of psychological developmental. The heart of this model is that there are fundamental differences in the character structure of individuals associated with these two diagnostic categories which originate from the early stages of neurological and psychological development; a position supported by increasing evidence in genetic-biological studies as well as psychodynamic-psychoanalytic research.

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