It is amazing how quickly conflict can arise when we ask people to stop doing things that bother or disturb us. Similarly, it is surprising how reactive we can become when someone complains about our own behaviour and wants us to change. This article considers one reason why our relationships with others can be so difficult and at times, seemingly insurmountable Continue Reading
'Couples Work' Category
Identify the sources of conflict within your marriage and discover healthy ways of resolving long term conflicts. Marriage counseling is often used as alternative to divorce or separation for some couples, although it may also be beneficial to couples in the process of a divorce or separation, to help them and their families deal with the changes and emotions being experienced, so that the process is dealt with in a healthy manner.
Quick Jump to Couples Work Posts
Finding Meaning In Our Relationships
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008No Comments
Imagine someone picking up a book, perhaps one of the great classics, but they cannot read. All they see is black squiggly lines on white pages. This book is meaningless for this person. Because it is meaningless it has no value and can easily be discarded.
Now imagine a highly skilled reader picking up that book. That same book now has a wide range of qualities that it didn’t have for the first person. There are characters and events that generate a complex and fascinating world of images and meaning and will probably generate a wide range of emotional responses that did not and could not exist for the first person. In this way it has become something much more, something very different, and something of much greater value. Continue Reading
When Love Fails
Friday, February 29th, 2008No Comments
My clinical experience in working with couples and individuals over the years suggests a fundamental lack of understanding of what it even means to have a truly loving relationship. In my previous article I referred to a specific type of struggle that arises in relationships when one partner is seeking to establish a more meaningful and connected type of relationship, but the other is unable or unwilling to reciprocate. This article looks more closely at some of the difficulties that arise under these conditions.
The Struggle to Love
Thursday, January 31st, 2008No Comments
My experiences with those couples and individuals I see in my practice and in my daily life suggests most individuals in relationships are not operating in a manner conducive to promoting their own or another’s spiritual growth. Within the definition of love I have been using, most relationships are not loving.
More accurately, what most people are identifying as love seems to be directed primarily at providing comfort and security. Even if both individuals are reasonably content with this, it is the crucial step beyond that which I have been trying to define and which seems to be so consistently lacking. Why, if I am correct in my observations, do our relationships not offer us more ? Continue Reading
Love As an Act of Will - Part III
Monday, October 29th, 2007No Comments
In several of my preceding articles on love and couples therapy, I have argued that our greatest source of suffering arises when our emotional and psychological, and thus spiritual growth is impeded. If we are not clear about the source of that suffering when it arises, our confusion as to what is actually causing it leads to numerous misguided efforts to reduce that distress. Since these efforts invariably lead to continued or increased suffering, further confusion and frustration develops, along with a growing senses of pointlessness and futility. Ultimately this can lead to depression and despair. In relationships it leads to conflict and often, to separation.
In Part I and Part of II of this series, I have described how we can view love as the action which serves as the vehicle for nurturing and enhancing that growth, and looked at what that action actually means within the context of one’s relationship with another. In this article I provide a brief description of three basic types of relationships that can develop relative to the state of health or unhealth of the individuals within that relationship. Continue Reading
Do You Need Couples Therapy?
Saturday, October 27th, 2007No Comments
When’s the right time?
One thing’s for sure: counselors rarely hear the complaint “It’s too early for our relationship!” More often, what they hear is: “We’ve tried everything - counseling is our last resort.”
Far too many couples leave counseling until it’s too late. By the time of their first appointment, years of bitterness and resentment have built up and the fear of being hurt blocks out any chance of change.
If you’re experiencing any of the following, now is the time to consider counseling:
Continue Reading
Love as An Act of Will- Part II
Friday, July 6th, 2007No Comments
In Part I of the previous article I presented a definition from Scott Peck’s book, “The Road Less Travelled” in which he described love as “The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s and another’s spiritual growth” and explored the meaning of “spiritual growth”
Let’s now look more closely at this action described as “the will to extend oneself…”.
Love As An Act Of Will - Part I
Friday, June 15th, 2007No Comments
As a psychologist working with couples in conflict and those trying to improve their relationships, my primary focus is on understanding the specific type of work that needs to be done to promote the best interests of both individuals in that relationship. This work is always directed at encouraging the ongoing growth and development of these individuals and helping them to see how do this for themselves, in their own relationship.
Love - It’s More Than A Feeling
Wednesday, May 23rd, 20071 Comment
“I love you.”
When we use these three little words what do we really mean, what are we actually saying?
There have been occasions when working with distressed couples in my practice when it looks as though all is lost, the relationship may be over. It is not uncommon at this point for one of the partners, in desperation and confusion, to look at the other and almost in desperation say, “but I love you”. The response from the other partner often sounds something like this; “I know you say you love me, but you don’t act like you do.” Something doesn’t quite fit for them. There is a discrepancy somewhere between what the words “I love you” are supposed to mean and what is actually coming across.
Introduction - Let’s Talk About Love
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007No Comments
Let me introduce this discussion of love by utilizing some of my experiences from my private practice. As a psychologist specializing in working with couples struggling in their relationships, I often hear individuals tell me that even though they are angry or frustrated with their partner, they still love them and believe they are loved in return. When I ask them how they actually experience this love within the relationship, they often offer explanations such as, “because we’ve stayed together this long”, or “even though he get’s angry at me he can also be really kind and gentle”, or “because she tells me loves me” and so on.