Love As an Act of Will - Part III
In several of my preceding articles on love and couples therapy, I have argued that our greatest source of suffering arises when our emotional and psychological, and thus spiritual growth is impeded. If we are not clear about the source of that suffering when it arises, our confusion as to what is actually causing it leads to numerous misguided efforts to reduce that distress. Since these efforts invariably lead to continued or increased suffering, further confusion and frustration develops, along with a growing sense of pointlessness and futility. Ultimately this can lead to depression and despair. In relationships it leads to conflict and often, to separation.
In Part I and Part of II of this series, I have described how we can view love as the action which serves as the vehicle for nurturing and enhancing that growth, and looked at what that action actually means within the context of one’s relationship with another. In this article I provide a brief description of three basic types of relationships that can develop relative to the state of health or unhealth of the individuals within that relationship.
Fundamental Positions Towards Relationship
An individual can only be in one of three fundamental positions in terms of his or her emotional/psychological health within a couples relationship. They are either evolving and thus growing and maturing, or revolving and psychologically speaking standing still, or devolving and going backwards. The following paragraphs are very brief and simplified descriptions of these positions.
Evolving. When an individual is healthy and evolving within a relationship, their primary intention is to utilize experiences within that relationship as a vehicle for learning new things about oneself, their partner, and their relationship to the world around them. New experiences and understandings are constantly arising through a conscious effort to remain awake and aware.
This relationship is understood as providing a particularly unique forum for learning about oneself and one’s relationship to others, and the partner is clearly seen as being vital to this type of learning. One’s partner is thus treated with great respect, care, and of course love, in which one’s actions are also directed towards supporting and their encouraging their growth and development.
While we do not accept responsibility for someone else’s choice for growth, we are capable of providing the conditions conducive to the other’s growth should they choose this direction.
Revolving. When the relationship is revolving the primary intention is not growth but consistency, comfort and security. Typically a great deal of effort is directed towards ensuring a high degree of predictability and conformity which usually means we ask/demand a lot from the other to be what we want them to be.
If the other is similarly motivated to find security and comfort then there usually is an implicit agreement among both partners to please the other. If this mutual intention is successful it can generate a great deal of satisfaction between the partners as they both feel they can “relax”. If it is not successful, the efforts of one partner to bring the relationship in line with his or her particular wishes and expectations can introduce conflict and resentment into the relationship.
If this conflict is “successfully” resolved it typically requires one partner to begrudgingly give up his or her position in order to have peace within the relationship. Usually this submission will re-surface at a later point in time. If it is not successfully resolved it either leads to conflict, separation, or abuse as described below.
Devolving. When a relationship is devolving it’s has typically begun from a position that seemed to offer security and has moved downhill from there. Unlike the previous relationships the partners are not at all operating from a common or shared position. Rather, one partner tends to be dominant and aggressive while the other is weak and submissive. In many relationships it is not clear who is actually the dominant one and who is the submissive one as some positions that look weak are actually clever forms of power and control. In other types of devolving relationships these roles are continually being interchanged
If we are the abuser, power and control motives dominate our life and we generally cannot take pleasure from much else. Inflicting suffering and engendering fear in others is our way of coping with out own fears and we are driven by uncontrollable desires and impulses enacted at the expense of others. We care little about others except in so far as we need them in order for us to have someone to dominate. This is our limited way of achieving at least some sense of control in this world.
For the submissive person, most of our time is spent resorting to various strategies to keep oneself (or those we care for) from being harmed, either emotionally, physically, or psychologically. From this position of being anxious and uncertain, and in more extreme cases, fearful and terrorized, our ability to learn anything new is severely compromised. When we stay for a prolonged period in this relationship our psychological and emotional maturity reverts to earlier and earlier stages of development until we finally reach a place that is invisible enough to escape the notice of the other.
Final Thoughts. Most “normal” relationships seem to fall into the revolving patterns. In these relationships, the feelings of comfort and security we strive so hard to achieve and maintain constantly rub shoulders with the discomfort and dissatisfaction which arises from our failure to grow. This persistent discomfort is usually placated with alcohol and other drugs, new toys, and many plans for the future.
Because revolving relationships usually are possible only with individuals who are reasonably well-adjusted and who therefore can successfully control and shape their world, there is typically little that is sufficiently wrong enough with that relationship for either partner to feel they can legitimately complain about it. Because they can’t find compelling justifications for their complaints they often decide to simply keep their concerns to themselves. Sometimes they feel it must be their issue and end up wondering if something might be wrong with them for feeling this way. Should they eventually reach a point of being sufficiently unhappy or depressed they often look in the wrong direction for a solution, and remain conflicted between the struggle for growth and the desire for comfort and security.
Finally, we don’t need to be in a relationship with another to be healthy. Neither do we need to be in a relationship to be unhealthy. Having said this, never underestimate the power of our relationship, for better or worse, to exert a powerful influence on our state of well-being and our basic sense of self.