Creating Unnecessary Conflict
Have you ever felt frustrated at your inability to solve problems in your life? Do you suffer from depression or anxiety and no matter how much try to deal with these experiences they don’t improve? Do you try talking to your spouse and no matter how hard you try it doesn’t seem to help your relationship, and often makes matters worse? Are you continually frustrated by the disturbing actions of those around you and feel a constant stress in your life?
This article examines one explanation for these difficulties and why they are so fundamentally difficult to deal with.
To understand the nature of these difficulties let us consider of the “Myth of Narcissus” (Ovid) which goes briefly like this. A beautiful young boy falls in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. The boy becomes so captivated by this reflection that he forsakes everything and everyone, and when he finally realizes that he can never have what he so desperately wants, he draws a sword and kills himself.
As commonly interpreted, this myth it is seen as providing a warning against positive self-absorption in which a person is so enamored and absorbed by his or her wonderful self they are incapable of appreciating or caring for others. When viewed this way, this interpretation indeed provides a useful framework for understanding why a few individuals behave the way they do in relationships with others.
But there is a more valuable dynamic portrayed in this myth which is applicable to almost everyone and which I think would be helpful for us to be aware of in our interactions with others.
According to the myth, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection. Importantly however, he somehow remained unaware that this was his reflection and assumed it belonged to someone else.
To capture the significance of this, let us briefly suppose that rather than being beautiful, Narcissus was very physically unattractive. In this reverse scenario, rather than falling in love with this image he might have been repulsed by it and would perhaps leave the pool never to return. Yet while he may have felt some aversion towards this image he would not take it personally because in his mind, it was not about him, it was someone else.
Two important question arise from all of this; ” How much of what we see in the world out there, actually belongs to us”? and, “How often do we react or respond to a situation because we are confused as to who or what is responsible for our experiences?”
Suppose we are listening to someone speaking and begin to feel irritated and perhaps even angry as they speak. It is not uncommon to say that it is that person who is irritating as though they are the source of our experiences.
In this instance, like Narcissus, we have committed the error of believing that something which belongs to us actually belongs to someone else. What was subjective has become objective.
What originally was ours has unconsciously been given to someone else and we cannot see we have done this. Now it seems to be the other person or perhaps the “world out there” who is responsible for our being upset
Rather than being in control of our own experiences, someone else now seems to be responsible and we act towards that other as though this is true.
Because we look at the world as though it is “out there” and fail to realize how much of it is a reflection of our our experiences, we automatically become powerless. The frustration that arises under this condition leads to a whole variety of responses depending on the personality of the individual.
When we believe the problem is “out there” our suffering will continue forever. All too often, it is ourselves we are struggling with but we just can’t see it. This is a battle we can never win.