Dr. Gordon Reid, Registered Psychologist, Granville Island, Vancouver, BC

“I love you.”

When we use these three little words what do we really mean, what are we actually saying?

There have been occasions when working with distressed couples in my practice when it looks as though all is lost, the relationship may be over. It is not uncommon at this point for one of the partners, in desperation and confusion, to look at the other and almost in desperation say, “but I love you”. The response from the other partner often sounds something like this; “I know you say you love me, but you don’t act like you do.” Something doesn’t quite fit for them. There is a discrepancy somewhere between what the words “I love you” are supposed to mean and what is actually coming across.

Here is how I see this. When I say “I love you”, it can mean one of two very different things. On the one hand, it can mean “I love the feelings I have when I am around you”. This is a statement which reflects how I feel by virtue of things you are doing which I experience as pleasurable. I feel good when you treat me well, I have positive experiences when you smile at me, and so forth. On the other hand the expression “I love you”, can refer to an action; that is to say it can mean ” I act towards you in certain ways that you experience as being loved. These are two radically different meanings which lead to profoundly different relationships.

Let’s consider this distinction for a moment. I can look at an amazing garden and experience such beauty and wonder that I say “I love this place!”. This expression is a reflection of how I feel about the garden. But I could stand there a longtime feeling many wonderful things and never realize that the flowers needed watering. How I feel about something does not necessarily translate into actions towards it. Indeed, this garden will require constant care and attention if it is going to flourish. I will have to expend energy, make numerous choices, allocate resources and on and on. Feeling love for someone doesn’t require much of the person. Proper nurturing and caring for another demands all of you.

When someone says “I love you” and it rings hollow, chances are they are referring to how they feel about you, not how they treat you. It can feel wonderfully assuring and comforting to hear you are loved, but it will eventually lose it’s meaning and value if not followed by proper and considered actions.

Of course, even this distinction can be blurry. I can have strong and positive feelings towards someone and act in ways I think are loving but which are actually harmful for that person. For example, I can be overprotective, too restrictive, and excessively controlling, yet argue till I am blue in the face that I do it because I love you. Children are especially vulnerable to this confusing mix of messages because they simply are not sophisticated enough to see the difference. In all likelihood they will carry this confusion forward into later relationships and will be faced with the very difficult and usually painful task of learning the differences between healthy and unhealthy love. Most of us already know something about that.

The next series of article will be directed at clarifying these differences more fully.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007 at 9:02 pm and is filed under Couples Work. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.